I don’t really do stuff like this often because, well, I don’t know, and feel free to unfollow me if you think feelings are gross, but… whoops! Super-personal post dead ahead.

I live in a really small town in Wisconsin. It’s a nice town, and there are a decent amount of relatively nice people in it, but I don’t belong here.

Sometimes I get crank-calls from small-minded people who wish I didn’t live here, but it’s okay. I wish I didn’t live here too.

I don’t really have too many friends around here. I have friends, but there all people I met in high school and they’ve all moved away. There are really only a few people that I see socially, and that can be a little monotonous/lonely.

I’m not in school right now because the first college that I tried out really sucked. It was conservative and Lutheran and since I didn’t grow up in their churches (and because people sometimes assume straight-away that I’m gay (which I happen to be) and have a problem with that) I was ostracized. That, combined with a really nice guy, who turned into a really shitty guy, who turned into a mental-health textbook case of borderline-personality-disorder… caused a nice bout of depression that I haven’t completely shaken. I’ve started the medication that they’ve extolled the merits of, but between me, you, and the world internet, it doesn’t seem to be working.

I still struggle with the eating-disorder that blossomed during high-school. If I were better-looking, I always think, maybe my life would be easier. Life seems to be better for attractive people.

Sometimes the fact that my social life is a shadow of what it once was and the fact that I am soul-crushingly single (with no dating prospects around here) hits me really hard and I have to lay down on my bed and stare at the ceiling and think about nothing until it passes. And sometimes it doesn’t really seem to pass.

I’d like to solve all of these things. I’d like to learn to be happy again. I’d like to kiss someone and hold hands and feel needed and important. But I can’t seem to come up with any solutions outside of wrapping my parent’s car around the nearest oak tree. And I don’t want to total another one of their cars.

I don’t know what I’m saying. I guess I’m saying that I’m unhappy.

I don’t know what I expect anyone else to do about it. I don’t think I really expect anything.